Why Kilian Kerner now loves himself more than his job as a designer

At the beginning of the year, Kilian Kerner had to take a weeks-long break for the first time in his career. It was not by choice, but because he had no other option. This happened during a phase the designer himself describes as one of the most successful of his career. In his personal life, however, this period became one of the darkest.

It all started with a seemingly harmless slipped disc. Instead of listening to his body, Kerner decided to go ahead with Berlin Fashion Week in January despite severe pain. This was a decision with serious health consequences. It was a time that pushed him to his limits, beyond the physical crisis. Alongside his illness, he had to cope with a breakup and lost many things in those months that he had long taken for granted.

In an interview in early July, Kerner looks back on this period, speaking openly about how it happened and what it has changed in him. He explains how he found his way back to the catwalk despite everything. First with a show in Paris, and then at the beginning of the month with his new collection “Burning Symphony” at Berlin Fashion Week. He also discusses why this collection is more than just a new season for him. The conversation covers the new boundaries he has set for himself since then; his critical view of Berlin as a fashion hub; commercialism as a conscious choice rather than a compromise; and his long-term plans in the US.

Mr Kerner, you have spoken very openly about your ordeal in recent months, including on social media. Could you take us back to the beginning, to Berlin Fashion Week in January?

Yes, absolutely. The illness was actually very harmless at the beginning, nothing serious, just a tear in the disc. It worsened over time, partly because I pushed through with Fashion Week in January instead of listening to my body.

I was in incredible pain, especially during Fashion Week. I had to take 17 or 18 pills a day, most of which were morphine, until only Oxycodone helped. Then my back was anaesthetised and I do not know what else, just so I could do the show. It was completely foolish; I should never have done it. I should have said: “The team can handle it, but I need to go to the hospital.”

Consequences of that decision, to go ahead with the show despite everything, were ultimately far-reaching…

Yes, the consequence was that I did not work for months – and that was the first time in my life since becoming a fashion designer. It was not because I did not want to; it was simply not possible. I am still suffering from what I did to myself. The doctor told me before the show: “Cancel it. The only thing I can offer you now is Oxycodone.” Cancelling was not an option for me. So I took the medication. I was like I was on drugs, but I was pain-free.

That state probably did not last long, did it?

No, the next morning everything was even worse. My leg and foot were numb, and the situation became so critical that an emergency doctor was flown in. When I could no longer stand up, they wanted to sedate me for transport. That did not work properly, probably because of the medication I had already taken. There were 14 men in my bedroom. Eventually, they restrained me, put me in a carrying bag and carried me down from my house.

That feeling of being so exposed and helpless was the worst thing I have ever experienced. At the hospital, they did not take me seriously and “kicked me out” after six hours. Two days later, after another magnetic resonance imaging, it turned out that something in the disc had ruptured. Then I had surgery. When I woke up after the operation (op), the first question was: “Can you breathe?” I could not make sense of the world anymore. Then they explained that my breathing had not been working so well during the op.

Was that a wake-up call for you?

Today, I am grateful. I have been given the chance to develop as a person, and my priorities have changed. I still love this job, this passion, more than anything. I love myself more, though. That is something I had to learn. I only ever loved myself for being a successful fashion designer. Today, I have recognised my true worth.

If someone were to ask: Would you give up everything that has happened to you since the end of November 2025? – I would immediately say yes and hope that something in my mind would still lead to the life I have now. I am not saying it is better, but it is different and healthier. This shift in my mind and heart is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I have become a different person who still has the same values but lives his life completely differently.

What exactly have you changed since then?

I have set clear boundaries for myself now. In the past, everyone knew that if they wrote to me in the evening, they would usually get a reply. That has changed. I take everything just as seriously as before, and I love it just as much as before, but I love myself more.

The most intense thing during that whole time was a conversation with my assistant about what would have happened if things had gone wrong. I said I would have had a fulfilled life, experienced great love and had more success than I could have ever imagined. No one could have said that Kilian had missed out on anything in his life. Then the thought came that many things had been left unsaid.

I had neglected friends and myself for too long and realised that I could not leave anything unsaid anymore, because I could not sleep with it. My therapy included writing: letters that were never sent, sometimes just two sentences, entire diaries about the illness, the breakup and everything in between.

Was your show at the beginning of the month at Berlin Fashion Week, “Burning Symphony”, also a form of therapy to close this chapter of your life?

I do not really believe in letting go and new beginnings. I believe you always move forward in life – we do that every day. I do hope, however, that I will feel a bit freer than before.

After everything you have been through, I am surprised you are presenting a collection at all this season…

In mid-April, I still thought it would not work at all. I did not have a single design. Cancelling the upcoming show did not seem like the right solution for my state of mind. We also had contracts. Then I had this idea: either I go on a round-the-world trip for a long time or I move to “L.A.” The next morning, it was clear that I was moving to “L.A.” From that moment on, something changed in my mind. Suddenly, I could think clearly about my work again.

What happened next?

I called my stylist, with whom I have been working for twelve years, and said: “I have a theme and an idea I want to implement. That is all there is. No fabric. No sketch. Can I come to Hamburg next week so we can talk about the collection?”

To avoid too much pressure, we agreed that I would only design ten new looks to form the core of the collection, and the rest would consist of old styles in new fabrics. That did not happen in the end, because once I started, I was in a frenzy. Within two days, I had designed a completely new collection.

What does the collection represent?

The collection is far from finished, even after the presentation. It is a collection that exists between two opposites. It is about pain and brokenness meeting this glamour. There are many pieces in the collection where, if you know the story, you will be able to see my pain. I have truly poured all this pain into these pieces.

Berlin was not the first show after the surgery, however; a presentation in Paris was scheduled shortly after. How did you manage that physically?

I got the go-ahead from the doctors. Before the op, I said: “Be honest – there is a show in Paris in four weeks. Is that realistic?” They said it was possible with good physiotherapy and rest. So it was clear that we would do Paris.

The time in and around Paris was not easy, though. I was crying constantly. During the fitting, I had a good feeling for a moment. I was distracted, happy about the models and thought about the collection: It is good.

As soon as I was alone, however, I kept breaking down. The show day itself is a blur to me. I was excited, but I experienced much of it as if in a fog. Afterwards, I gave an interview and had such a strong crying fit during it that I ran away. As a 47-year-old man, just walking out of an interview was absurd even to me.

Those are not easy circumstances or memories. Will Paris nevertheless become a permanent part of your future strategy?

My dream was always New York; I would never have thought of Paris – until this request came. Then it felt right. My goal is still New York, though. The aim is to move from Paris to New York within the next two years.

New York is an interesting choice; most companies are currently hesitant to focus their attention on the US. Why are you sticking with the country?

Right now, I am not focused on selling my collection in America. It is more about building on the success there – through agencies, celebrities and attention – and meeting contacts in person: stylists, press people. That strengthens the brand, and that also reflects back to Europe. I want to boost sales there once we are more established.

And what are the specific plans moving forward?

Collaborations are extremely exciting for me, but it has become more difficult this year. The budgets are smaller, even though we still have good deals. You can see how important the interplay is, though: celebrities, marketing, shows, Paris – everything together strengthens perception.

“I love commercialism,”

Collaborations are nothing new for you, however. You have made several deals in the past, including with teleshopping companies and drugstores. For a designer who also presents at fashion weeks, that is quite an unusual path.

I love commercialism. I say that deliberately, even if not everyone in the fashion world likes to hear it. I like making things that many people can wear. I also find it exciting how companies work – including through collaborations or projects with partners like QVC.

Seeing people wear my things in their daily lives is extremely important to me, and that is what it is all about in the end. Designing for the catwalk and the show is not difficult – that is about imagination. The real challenge is to make fashion that people actually buy. Even in the online business, it is difficult to consistently have hits today.

Are there any examples of particularly successful recent collaborations?

A great success was our “NUR DIE Leggings” at DM, and they also sold well online. The shoes for Tamaris also sold out immediately and had to be re-produced. At the same time, of course, there are also things that do not work.

You just said that designing shows is not difficult, yet you have been a fixture at Berlin Fashion Week for many years and have also received funding at times. Has your view of Berlin as a location changed since then?

In my opinion, Berlin is heading down a one-way street. There used to be funding programmes that were poor – they lasted for one season, maybe a second if you were lucky, and then designers were dropped again. That makes no sense. You have to select a few designers and support them for a long time – because fashion is damn expensive.

If you do not sell commercial items, it is very difficult to finance a brand. Producing fashion from Germany in Germany is so difficult that you have to make commercial items.

Has that also affected your collaboration with the fashion council that organises fashion week?

I have been showing in this city since 2008. Without being arrogant: I have contributed a lot to the success of Fashion Week. The change at the Fashion Council, that brands are now supported for longer, is great.

Regarding the commercial aspect, however: we were funded for three seasons and then dropped, for the most dubious reasons. Secretly, we all know why: because I am simply too commercial. They can tell me what they want, that is the reason. I think it is too narrow-minded. Berlin puts a certain stamp on things and says: This is Berlin now – and everything else is not.

Is that one of the reasons for your move to Paris – are you turning your back on Berlin for good?

No, we are sticking with Berlin for now, even though there will not be a show there in January, as I am going to L.A. at the end of October. Four shows a year – January, March, July and October – that is a pace that just does not work for me right now. I do plan to show again next year in July, though.

Sometimes, many people do not dare to say that they are finding their own way around the calendar. If what happened to me had not happened, I probably would have done four shows a year immediately. I do not want to, though. It is too much for the mind; the quality would suffer. I am 47, not 27. I also want to live well for another 30 years.

We have talked a lot today about change and the lessons learned. What advice would you give to young designers about mistakes they should avoid?

The most expensive mistake of my life cost me a high six-figure sum. Therefore, I would always advise everyone to do nothing without lawyers. Never. Another mistake is not to embrace commercialism at some point. You can also do good commercialism. Those are my two tips.